Snowboarding for Dummies

I look nothing like this...

Being the last of 8 kids, I missed out on a lot, no offense mom and dad, but seriously, by the time I was old enough to do anything the rest of my family had moved on with kids of their own.. Don't feel sorry for me, but have that in mind when I tell you that snow-skiing, camping, normal survival skills and I guess, snowboarding weren't in my repertoire of life achievements.

My oldest sister and my brother-in-law are amazing at winter sports. They both grew up doing them, skipping class for fresh powder and all that jazz. They were going skiing so, I thought I would join them and try to learn how to snowboard. Everyone always told me, "Oh, you will have NO problem snowboarding if you wake board!" Well, these were all lies... vicious, horrible lies. There is something VERY different between being dragged behind a speed boat and being hurled down the side of a mountain.

I was ready. I rented or borrowed some gear and we headed up to the mountain for nice day in the snow, or so I thought. After conquering my fear of the ski lift, (I am convinced that they speed it up on purpose right at the end so, people will have to start out at a sprint!) I spent most of the morning working muscles that I never knew existed and saying more cuss words than I care to mention. The minute I would pick up speed, something inside me would panic and I would picture my body in a tangled mess at the bottom of the mountain, dead. My sister and brother-in-law grew tired of this quickly and left me to fend for myself. As it turns out, I should never be left to fend for myself...

By this point, I am feeling a little tired, but now that I was on my own, I could take my time and just have fun with it. I thought I would run into my sister and brother-in-law at one point, but for some reason I never did so, I just continued to go up and down the bunny hill alone. After my fifth run, I started to worry, Did they leave me? Where could they be? Clouds were gathering and it looked like it was going to snow and people seemed to start disappearing. Half pissed/half tears in my eyes and the only one on the hill, I started to snowboard like the wind. The last couple of runs down the hill I was weaving back and forth like I picture the pros to do as it started to snow. Fear was my teacher that day.

I reached the top of the lift and the person operating the lift obviously knew that I was lost or retarded so, he said, "I have to close the lift because it is snowing, do you know how to get back to the lodge?" Lodge? I haven't seen the lodge since I got here with my family!!? Where am I? Since, I was the only one left on the hill he said, "Why don't I drive you down.." I didn't care how humiliating this might have been. This was the best thing I had heard all day.

I leaped onto the back of his snow mobile and wrapped my arms around him like an idiot or some damsel in distress only for him to say, "You have handle bars to hold onto..." uhhh shoot. me. in. the. face.

Apparently, there are several mountains to ski on, I didn't realize this until that day. I had been snowboarding on a completely different hill from my sister and brother-in-law. As we drove down in the rescue mobile, I saw my sister in a panic. I waved. It must have been an interesting sight to see me on that snow mobile. My sister thought that I had broken bones or something, I wish. Instead, I was an idiot and almost died.

I haven't gone snowboarding since, but maybe this winter I will have to try it again. I think sufficient time has passed that the trauma that I experienced can be forgotten and I can move on. Though fear proved to be an amazing coach, I might need some assistance. Anyone up for the task? There is only one rule: You can not leave my side... sound good?